A personal testimony from Heather, linked with the series on holiness, Part 6, Suffering.
When I turned 40, our family celebrated by taking the kids to Disney World for my birthday. I looked healthy, and I felt strong. I ate relatively well and had been working out with a trainer for a year to lose the last of my baby weight. Most of my friends considered me fit and healthy. Shortly after my birthday, my husband mentioned I should go get a mammogram. I was appalled and said that just because I had turned 40 did not mean I had cancer and needed to go get checked. Plus, I really, really did not want to get a mammogram. I had one when I was 35 and totally hated the boob mash. So, time went on and I never made an appointment to get checked. October rolled around and the onslaught of “Breast Cancer Awareness” ads were everywhere. Again, my husband urged me to go get checked. So, I compromised and agreed I would have thermography in order to avoid the uncomfortable squeeze and radiation of mammography. So at the very end of October of 2018, I had my thermography imaging done. Two weeks later, my results were in. As the Doctor was going over my images, she quickly brought my attention to a large red circle that was on my left breast. She showed me how my right breast was all cool blues and greens and that is how it should look. She wanted to order further tests with an ultrasound. I was convinced that it must be some kind of cyst or benign mass. After all, I felt fit, strong, and healthy!
At my ultrasound appointment, the technician was super chatty with me while she imaged my right breast, but became very quiet while she imaged my left breast. Her whole demeanor changed and suddenly fear began to grip me. I laid there on the table with tears rolling down the sides of my face. Even though she wouldn’t say anything, I just knew she had seen something that was “not good.” On the way home, I called my husband and told him I thought something may be wrong. I was holding out hope that it was truly just a cyst, but I was scared for the first time. Once again, I went to get my results, and this time, the Doctor told me I needed to find an oncologist. My mind went blank. I was shaking and just kept thinking, “But I don’t know any oncologists!” I called my mom on the way home and told her, “I think I have breast cancer.” We both cried, and she tried to reassure me that it could be benign, since we didn’t know for sure. Oh how I wanted her to be right!
How do you find an oncologist? I googled “breast cancer surgeon” and found a female oncologist not far from my house. I called and scheduled an appointment for November 10th. She was kind and repeated an ultrasound right there in her office. She told me that it was most likely benign or stage 0 cancer. Meaning, we had caught it very early and not to worry. She did say, however, that we would not know exactly what we were dealing with until I had a biopsy. So I was off to another appointment—and let me just say, that biopsy experience was TRAUMATIC!!! Long story short: I received my results on December 5th of 2018. I had stage II Her2+ [positive] and estrogen+ [positive] breast cancer! My mind opened up and everything fell out. I was numb; I couldn’t think. She told me it was very aggressive and I had to start chemo right away. The tears were unstoppable. Thankfully my husband was with me, and he was able to ask questions and understand what she was saying. I truly can’t remember anything more that she said. It was as if my brain had switched off. It was real, it was true, I did have cancer. It wasn’t going to be an easy fix.
We decided to only tell close friends and family because it was so close to the holidays. My husband didn’t even want to tell the kids for fear of ruining their Christmas! Plus, how could I tell the kids? Every time I verbalized the statement “I have breast cancer,” I broke down in tears. I didn’t know how to tell them without scaring them to death. I was terrified and felt like I couldn’t communicate any hope to them. So I told the Doctors I wanted to pray, research, and wait to start my chemo until after Christmas.
In those weeks before Christmas, we researched everything we could about my cancer. I was dead set against doing chemotherapy and was convinced I could find a way to avoid it. I wasn’t trying to avoid chemo because my hair would fall out, although I was not looking forward to that prospect, but my biggest reason for trying to avoid chemo was because of the toxicity and the side effects we all hear about. I had already really embraced a basically holistic lifestyle and absolutely did not want to put those kinds of toxins in my body. We met with cancer specialists from Florida, to California, to Mexico, and several here in Texas. Every. single. one of them told me I’d be crazy to skip the chemo! That with my kind of cancer, I wouldn’t have a chance to live without it. Even holistically-minded doctors told me that I must do the chemo and be aggressive with a double mastectomy. I was completely devastated. I cried and cried and cried for hours when I finally realized I had no other option and had to go get my port for chemo put in.
Fear had taken hold of me. I was so very scared. My kids were 6 and 9. My greatest fear was for my kids to watch me die…slowly. That they could not handle the heartache of losing their mother at such tender young ages. I know how much children need their moms. I was willing to do whatever it took to be here for my children!
Chemo treatment began, and 2 weeks after my first dose, my daughter came into my room to wake me up. As I smiled at her and lifted my head off the pillow, her face turned to horror and she kind of “scream cried.” I couldn’t understand her reaction to me. As I looked at myself in the mirror, there I was, with chunks of hair missing from my head. My poor baby was so upset, and my son wouldn’t even touch me. He was very, very freaked out by my bald head, so I was very careful to always wear my wig or a hat around my kids so that I seemed more normal to them. I could tell that my kids were very scared, especially once my physical appearance changed after losing my hair.
I had to have 6 rounds of chemo, spaced out only 3 weeks apart. Each round of chemo was more and more toxic to my body. Chemo may kill cancer cells, but it kills a whole lot more healthy cells in the process. I could feel the poison in my body. My muscles began to shrivel up and die. I got chemo tongue. Everything tasted terrible to me. Food was repulsive. I had no appetite for anything. My entire gastrointestinal tract was destroyed. This created pain such as I have never experienced before. I basically was starving for 5 months as every cell in my body was being poisoned. I started begging to stop my treatment by my 4th round of chemo. Each round I became increasingly ill and unable to tolerate the pain. My husband was my greatest cheerleader. He told me to hang in for the sake of our kids. I’d love to tell you that I was a spiritual hero at that time, but I wasn’t. I had been reduced to a skeleton and was sick all the time! Fear was still controlling me, and I was struggling to trust God that He would even heal me. People who are spiritual powerhouses were praying for my healing… and I wasn’t being healed! I was still having to complete my chemo course. I felt like I was going to die and God wasn’t going to save me. My greatest fear was leaving my kids. Then, at one of my lowest times, God spoke to me. He said, “Do you trust Me?” I answered, “Yes, of course I trust You!” But He asked me again. Then He asked, “Don’t you think I am enough for your kids? Don’t you think I will be able to heal their hearts, and don’t you think I love them more than you do?” Wow, who was I to think that God was not capable of taking care of my children and even better than I could? I have been honored to have the gift to raise these two wonderful human beings, but their Heavenly Father loved them more than I could and would keep their hearts safe. The grip of fear had been so strong on me. I cried out to Jesus to forgive me for my unbelief and to cast off fear. I surrendered to God’s will, whatever that may be. I truly got to the place I could say that it was okay if I was never healed of this cancer, because I wanted God to be glorified in my life. It is a hard place for a mother to go, to have to actually face the reality of death and to surrender her children. I had symbolically done this when my children were dedicated to the Lord as babies, but I was actually having to walk that out now. It was so humbling and truly beautiful. God was so close to me, I could feel His presence. He had never left me; He was there the whole time, cradling me in His arms. The peace He gave me is indescribable. He conquered my greatest fear. I was set free.
My cancer treatments were not over after chemo. I continued to receive infusions of a targeted drug for an entire year. I had my double mastectomy and multiple reconstructions. Today I am declared free of disease, and I thank God for His merciful extension of my life. I didn’t receive the instant healing I wanted. I had to face the most devastating treatment of my life, and walk through that to completion. However, I wouldn’t trade a single day now. Why? Because Jesus became more real to me than at any other point in my life. My faith was solidified. God is good—all the time!!! No matter my circumstances. Whether I live or die. I just want the presence of God in my life every day. I will take every single day He gives me and live it to my fullest. I am treasuring up in my heart every experience I have with my family. My prayer is to live to be an old Grandma, but if He sees fit to take me to heaven, then I will be ready to go. Not my will, but His will.
Here are the scripture verses I clung to:
“Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for You are the One I praise!” (Jeremiah 17:14).
“But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declared the Lord,” (Jeremiah 30:17).
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand,” (Isaiah 41:10).
“You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In Your love You kept me from the pit of destruction; You have put all my sins behind Your back,” (Isaiah 38:16-17).